I have a theory that some people in the world are particularly susceptible to spontaneous animal attacks. Something about them transmits the wrong signals and animals respond unfavorably to them.
I have concluded that I am one of those people. In my time I have been attacked viciously by a German Shepherd owned by a particularly anti social character who kept the animal as a guard dog, and then half starved it to further hone it's aggression; I have also been badly bitten by a one armed gibbon, again kept as a pet by a demented woman who assured me of his docile nature before I went near him.
Carpet Glides
I was given a plate of food to put down on the floor of the gibbon's cage but before I could put the plate down anywhere the ape grabbed me around the throat and began shaking me about, finally sinking his yellow teeth into the side of my leg and tearing out a chunk of my best corduroy trousers. I learned very quickly that it is pointless to try to fight back when confronted by an angry gibbon, because their arms are longer than ours, but thankfully he only had one and failed to prevent me from escaping when I slammed the cage door on his good paw.
In the early seventies, I lived with my nutty parents in a small Indonesian community some hours drive from Jakarta in a hilly tea plantation region. Our villa was large and comfortable and the sitting room was open to the terraces and the garden. One night, as I was sitting on the rug before the fire, reading my book and minding my own business, I felt a thump on my left shoulder. I turned my head and came face to face with a bug-eyed, bright green frog, commonly known as Rhacophorus Nigorpalmatus. This frog is equipped with large, webbed feet which enable it to glide in flight and it can zoom from one object to another at an alarming speed.
My blood freezing screams brought servants running and my father emerged from his study wielding his badminton racket, affectionately termed his 'bat bat,' as he used it to swat the bats which swooped upon our dining table on the terrace. We were unaware at the time that flying frogs use their webbed and suckered feet to cling to a moving surface, which by now I certainly was. I ran screaming all around the house and garden until eventually I was rugby tackled by the house boy. He whipped a cigarette lighter out of his pocket, and flashed the flame in front of Kermit who immediately released his vice-like grip on my shoulder and flew off into the night.
I have also been bitten by my Aunt's over weaned and insufferable Pekinese dog. In the sixties, pooper - scooping was rarely practiced except by known eccentrics, yet my Aunt seemed to view pooper-scooping as some sort of macabre hobby, and she followed dearest Fluff around with a plastic carrier bag, a supply of paper tissues, a spray deodorant (don't ask) and a packet of wet wipes. She would then clean good old Fluff's bottom after each minor bowel evacuation, while Fluff did his best to bite off her hand. Aaah, how sweet.
When it came to my turn to take Fluff for his constitutional, I was not quite so practiced as my Aunt at avoiding the little bastard's razor sharp teeth and he sank them into my thumb. I carry the scar to this day.
My friend Paddy had a minor accident with a thermos of hot tea and scalded her leg, which rendered her unable to exercise her horse. Paddy ran a small sanctuary for retired racehorses. She rang me and asked if I would consider taking Phantom for a little ride. (There, you see what I mean - why did she ring me and not some other idiot?) Oh goody, I thought, a nice bracing ride over the hills, just what I need.
Phantom turned out to be somewhat larger than I was used to, and from the moment my bottom touched the saddle, the horse was in complete control. He shot out of the stable yard like a rocket and proceeded to thunder across the countryside, with me clinging onto his back in fear of my life. He raced under low hanging branches, charged through streams and hurtled over low fences, finally ploughing through a party of tourists having a peaceful picnic in a field.
We arrived back in the stable yard at about seventy miles per hour, scattering chickens and sending water buckets in all directions, and Phantom finally skidded to a halt somewhere in the vicinity of his feed box, whereupon he dumped me unceremoniously onto the slimy cobbled floor.
Nursing a badly bruised bottom, I visited the sickroom and asked Paddy when exactly Phantom had been retired from racing. 'Oh, only recently, dear,' she said, glancing at me over the top of her magazine and noting my disheveled state with mild interest, 'he won his last race three weeks ago.'
Emerging from the doors of my local supermarket a couple of years ago with my arms full of shopping, I was suddenly, ferociously and repeatedly set upon by a one legged seagull with a death wish. I was wearing an extremely fetching black cape at the time and I can only surmise the idiotic bird thought I was some sort of bat. The wretched thing swooped down upon me and tried to peck my head each time it landed anywhere near me. I warded off the attack with a French stick and my Louis Vuitton handbag, which has never been the same since.
One would think that, caught in the midst of something resembling an Alfred Hitchcock nightmare, one's dearest friend, witnessing one's distress from the car parked nearby, might come to one's rescue. Wrong. The car was rocking with laughter, and the entertainment was apparently shared by a party of German tourists.
I do actually love animals and have owned a series of well adjusted pets not in the least prone to ripping out my throat or tearing me limb from limb. The problem seems to be peculiar to strange animals who have not been formally introduced. In view of my obvious attraction as bait I have managed to 'steer clear,' as it were, of the bull running in Spain.
Black Friday Euroflex Monster Steam-Jet-II 1200w Disinfecting Floor Steam Cleaner With Carpet Glide And 4 Bonus Microfiber Pads (6 Total) 2011 Deals
Nov 24, 2011 00:27:39
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Black Friday Euroflex Monster Steam-Jet-II 1200w Disinfecting Floor Steam Cleaner With Carpet Glide And 4 Bonus Microfiber Pads (6 Total) Feature
- This Model includes a sanitizing solution and has improved pads and has overall better engineering
- Utilize the included Clean Blast solution, an all-purpose cleaner and disinfectant, to deliver Clean Blast-infused steam through the front jets
- Double Steam Jet , 6 jet portals on bottom, 4 jet portals on front
- 4 Steam Levels, Ready in 3 minutes, Includes 7 Microfiber pads (6 hard floor & 1 Carpets), Measuring Cup, Carpet Sledge
- Clean Blast: kills up to 99.9% of H1N1, HepC, MRSA, Staph, E-coli, and more
Black Friday Euroflex Monster Steam-Jet-II 1200w Disinfecting Floor Steam Cleaner With Carpet Glide And 4 Bonus Microfiber Pads (6 Total) Overview
Blast away grime and sanitize at the same time with the power of pressurized steam. This Monster steam cleaner can kill 99% of bacterial contaminants, including salmonella and e-coli, on common hard surfaces seconds. It includes three accessories for all your around-the-house needs. Steam is delivered on command from the front jets on the base unit just squeeze the trigger on the handle. To stop the steam, simply put the handle fully upright. Patented technology.Say goodbye to wimpy steam clouds. The water in this unit is under pressure like a closed tea kettle, delivering steam under greater force.The Pressurized steam through the front jets loosens surface debris, hits baseboards, and gets into hard-to-reach corners. Bottom steam jets and hard-surface microfiber pads quickly cut through dirt on sealed wood, tile, stone, linoleum. Grab the glide attachment and carpet microfiber pad to refresh and deodorize carpeting. It helps eliminate odors caused by fire, smoke, and tobacco smoke, as well as musty and stale cooking odors. This steam cleaner leaves floors virtually dry so it can be employed as part of your weekly cleaning routine or right before company arrives. Get it now, and get one step closer to squeaky clean. From Monster.
Includes:
- Monster Steam Jet II
- Two floor microfiber pads
- Carpet microfiber pad
- Carpet glide
- Measuring cup
- Parking pad
- 1200W boiler
Measures: 48"H x 11-3/4"W x 8-1/4"D
ETL listed; 3-year Limited Manufacturer's Warranty
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